Give It Up, Barack

Barack, I am speaking to you as a friend, if not, you know, a brother. Back when you launched your campaign for the Presidency of the United States, you can’t have believed that you had a real shot at it. I mean c’mon, a black guy named Barack Hussein Obama, a three year senator, 46 years old? Now though it is becoming more and more obvious that not only didn’t you expect it, you don’t really want it. I mean, do you?

I’m not running for President myself, and one of the many, many, many reasons why not, is that I would find it distasteful to have to denounce all of my wacky friends and relatives. I don’t agree with them about much, as I’m sure you don’t agree with your pastor, the Reverend Wright, or with your buddies Bill and Bernardine, but I can no more disown them than I can disown my own Democratic mother, or my white hippie pothead community.

In order to get elected President of the United States, or to be a late night network talk show host, for that matter, one must appeal to a majority of the citizens of the United States of America, none of whom agree entirely with anyone about everything. Much dodging, weaving, ducking, and finessing is required. It’s not easy, and I’m not saying you’re not good at it. You are, very good at it.

One thing is for sure though. If someone you have been very close to for 20 years believes that the U.S. government created AIDS to kill black folks, and that we had it coming on 9/11, and that God damns America, then you had better throw him or her under the bus quickly and thoroughly, no matter what.

If you’re not willing to do that, if you hem and haw, and say something different every other day, you’re not going to be President. Sorry, but that’s just the way it is. It doesn’t mean that you’re a bad person. It just means you don’t really have what it takes to be President. Neither do I. It’s OK. It’s too late now. Just resign gracefully and let Hillary have it. You have a great future ahead of you, maybe Ambassador to the U.N., who knows?